I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
