I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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