I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
