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My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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