Swine flu. Run for my life!
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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