You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
