Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
