she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
