If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
