Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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