and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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