I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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