we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
