Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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