hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
