How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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