This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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