When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
