for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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