I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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