There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
