Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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