Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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