i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
