party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just blew my weed a kiss
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I had to cum in my sink.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
