I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
