Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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