You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
