Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
