i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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