one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
