I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
