those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
