Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
