I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
