Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I didn't notice because vodka
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
