I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
