I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
