I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
