His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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