I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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