Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
