I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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