Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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