What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
