the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
