and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
