i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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