he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
