I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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