I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
