dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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