Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
